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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Yesterday was not so sane....

First off Stephan left for work as normal at 10 pm on Monday night, he got home at 8am Tuesday, took care of Colby then had to go to court for some jury trial of an idiot. Trust me this guy was an idiot and there is no denying it-he said he wanted a jury trial because he could, he said he knew he wouldn't win he just wants to "waste everyone's time." So Stephan was gone at court til 6 pm Tuesday night-yes thats right he worked 20 hours straight. And in his insanity he thought he would sleep 3 hours then go back to work-that took a lot of shall we say.... persuasion to get him to realize that although he is Super Dad he still needs sleep. So to bed he went.

This meant I had to take the boys to T-ball. Up until after 5 pm Ryne did not want to go he said "I want to stay home and relax with my brother." So T-ball dropped of my to-do list, until 5:30pm (T-ball starts at 6 and is 30 min. away.) This would have been fine EXCEPT I have a baby. So I rushed around getting Ryne dressed, changng Trey and getting him dressed, preparing bottles-just in case, and trying to put on a little make-up so I don't look like I have a baby. Get the boys loaded and off we go.

We arrive 15 min. late and Ryne was asleep-Trey was wide awake playing with a stuffed monkey. I wake Ryne up put on his cleats and think "I can do this." Ummm-not so much!! The crying begins, no not from my 4 month old but from my 4 year old. He is hysterical crying saying he doesn't want to go to T-ball and he wants me to hold him. So I put the babies seat on the stroller, attach the diaperbag, grab the sports bag and pick Ryne up. I am CARRYING Ryne and *trying* to push Trey onto the field through the rocks. Ryne has a complete meltdown says his tummy hurts and wants to go home. I try to coax him into staying and we spend about 35 min. there , with me carrying Ryne and trying to keep Trey happy. I decide this is not going to happen. So I load my screaming boys up-yes at this point they are both screaming crying.

Trey has this "cry" that makes you think he is dying, it really breaks my heart but he did not want to be in his carseat-and frankly that is the only safe way to travel :) Ryne calmed down as he gets in his seat so now only Trey is crying. About 12 min. from the field I lost it and said something I am so not proud of to Ryne-I can't beleive it came out of my mouth. I told him he was the reason Trey was so upset and crying, that Trey wanted to stay at t-ball and get out of the car seat. Ryne began to cry again saying he needed to go to t-ball, he didn't want his brother upset, I began apologizing profusely and can't believe I said what I did. I knew Ryne and Trey have this bond and it would break Ryne's heart.

I finally calm Ryne down, Trey passes out and I wonder what kept me from driving off the overpass. I am not sure I should tell everyone but I want this to be an HONEST look into my life so I will say I am on Lexapro for post-partum depression. With all of Trey's medical issues and him just generally being a not so happy baby I started taking all of my stress out on Ryne. I have never been a mean mom I have always had so much patience for Ryne so I knew something was wrong, called my doctor and went on Lexapro. I believe that medicine saved Trey, Ryne, and my life last night. I was at my breaking point and I am not sure how I made it through. I felt I had no one to call, and no one would understand.

Today was better-I feel like I am recovering from being in an emotional car-wreck, and tomorrow will be so much better. Ryne has his end of the year program at school and is so excited to be singing on stage, life will be back to normal soon.....

2 comments:

  1. Oh Tawnya, I'm sorry you had a rough day. You did the right thing by apologizing to Ryne. As long as this is the exception and not the rule, I think it's good for our children to see our mistakes (even if it initially hurts them) and then see that mature people apologize for their wrongs. You're doing a great job!

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  2. Tawnya there is never a time that you can not call me, and most honest moms will tell you they have been there I do understand and will always be there for you and stephan even if we aren't always on the same page. i love all you guys so much and we all need someone. if you don't think you can call someone you can always pray. love you and am proud of your honesty. Ene

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