Sunday, March 21, 2010


I have had to begin blog censoring. I hate that, but apparently how I feel MAY offend some people. I am very sorry if I have offended anyone in the past, but this is how I let out how I feel. I put it on here so minimal bad feelings and frustrations are shown near my children. Ryne has no idea how frustrating Trey's hydrocephalus is. He has no idea that sometimes Mommy becomes so overwhelmed I cry myself to sleep. I USE this blog to get it out there. Maybe I need a private blog, but then that would not get my frustrations out for people to semi-understand what my family goes through.

Why I am here why do people feel that just because they have more kids than me they know how to raise mine? Trey is so special and things pertaining to him are very different than any child, even another hydrocephalus child. He goes through a lot and I work my hardest to make sure he gets through every day and every night with as little pain, discomfort or crying as possible. (Seriously have you ever cried while you had a migraine-it is not fun and extremely painful.) That is NOT to say I give him everything, I still teach him "no" and that he may not do whatever he wants. But I also know his "special" cry that means I immediately go get him out of his crib or pull him from whatever situation is causing this cry-crying it out is NOT always a possibility for a hydro child. Seriously would you make your child cry it out if at 5 months they had brain surgery and a tube shoved through his body? I don't and if you think I should I will respectfully disagree, and do what I know is best for my child. Now when it comes to Ryne maybe Stephan and I made (and will probably make more) bad decisions while raising him, and you wouldn't raise your children the same way-but he is OUR child. You may share what you think, but we are devoted to how we choose to raise him. We love him to death and he is the sweetest most loving child I have ever met, all negative attributes of him are something we will handle as a family (and yes I will be the first to admit he whines and is very emotional.) Yet again you may share what you think but we are GOOD parents and we LOVE our boys with everything we have. I don't expect people to know what we go through every day with Trey being a "special needs" child, but please don't pretend that you do know. I had no idea what hydrocephalus entailed before I was blessed with Trey Alexander, he has taught me so much mainly being patience and flexibility. But he is different than a typical one-year old.
This rant is brought on courtesy of a random person I don't know or want to know.

Okay I am done and ready to go outside and blow bubbles with my boys while they run around the playground ;)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Scary day

Trey is normally an extremely happy baby. He sleeps about 18 hours a day, eats whatever we give him, and laughs and plays with no whining. Three days ago that drastically changed. He became a baby I did not know. He barely slept 8 hours a day, he would only eat 1 small meal a day-he only wanted milk, and he cried. Not just a normal cry but the pain shrill cry he had before his shunt placement.

After only getting 3 hours of sleep last night and Trey seriously whining/crying ALL night long I gave in. I called his doctors. The problem was which doctor-he has so many! I started with the neurosurgeon then e-mailed his pediatrician. At the same time they both called me. Both doctors told me to take him to Children's Healthcare Emergency room immediately. It sounded like possible shunt malfunction and test needed to be done.

So I packed up both boys, Stephan was headed out the door for work and didn't have enough time to find someone to cover his shift (he felt really bad, but seriously in this economy we are so thankful he has a great job, we will not do anything to challenge that.) So I called my Mom and she said she would meet me so she could watch Ryne while I concentrated on Trey. So many things went through my head, but mainly I prayed no more surgery, that Trey would be okay, and I would get my amazing little boy back.

Can I just tell you how horrifying this ER trip was!?!?!? A CT scan and shunt series (by x-ray) was ordered. During the CT scan he was strapped down by a straight jacket type of thing, he cried but it wasn't horrible-there were times when the machine intrigued him and he was calm. But then we went to the x-ray for the shunt series. This is where my heart broke. It took FOUR grown adults to hold my child down-and you really had to use your muscles-he is a strong little guy. He screamed, cried, threw-up and looked at me with this look that said "Mom-Why are you doing this to me??" I felt so bad. My Mom and Ryne who were very far away in the waiting room, heard his screaming the whole time-Ryne cried for his brother. I felt just horrible.

The Doctor came in and said Good News!! His shunt was performing perfectly, he did have a little enlargement in his ventricles which was causing migraine type headaches, but he will be fine. I was relieved yet felt horrible at the same time. I had put my little boy through all of that, and for no reason. My silver lining was he slept great on the way home and as soon as I put him down, fed him some applesauce and he was seriously happier than I have seen him in a long time. He was so playful and fun-I almost didn't want to put him to bed!! But this momma is tired!!!

I've made a decision....

to remain indecisive ;)
We are still toying with the idea of moving back to Florida. I have found my DREAM job there and I know I would be great at it. The city that has this job it also hiring 10 police officers right now. AND we found some great foreclosure homes there for as little as $50,000. Sounds great right!?!? Well there are a few problems...
1) The agency hiring police officers is not necessarily the one Stephan wants to work for. He is familiar with another agency in this town, but they are on a hiring freeze. A "higher-up" for that agency said for Stephan to go ahead and put his application in and when the freeze is lifted (which could be soon) Stephan would be considered. BUT Stephan is a little lazy when it comes to change and moving. He is not 100% sold on moving, because he is so comfortable here. He HATES change, so why would he do work to seek it out-that is his thought...
2) What if I get hired and Stephan doesn't get hired at the same time. That would mean our families livelyhood would be solely based on my income (and I wouldn't make near as much as Stephan would.) And with him not having an income we could not afford to move. I have searched all over Georgia for a similar position for me, but I have not seen anything-for my last 6 months of searching.
3) and this one is VERY hard for me to admit-we have bad credit. Like really bad. When we decided to move to Georgia we got caught up in the LARGE beautiful houses and bought WAY beyond our means (not to mention we had 24 hours to find a house and sign a contract while I was toting around a 5 month old, and Stephan was doing stuff for his now employer-that was a lot of pressure on me.) We made the WRONG decision and wound up foreclosing on our home. I am so embarassed to say this and very few people know about this. But our mortgage was over 50% of our income. We are very bad with money and are trying to get things in order now, but it is hard. We have medical bills from all of Trey's medical stuff. We had to take Ryne out of private school and put him in public to save money. We like to give our kids whatever they want/need. I do well saving money for groceries, but that is where my savings ends.
So my point is we would NOT be approved for a mortgage with both of us having new jobs and a foreclosure so recent on our credit history. So we would have to rent I guess, and we are renting in Ga for an extremely discounted rate. For the houses I found that we like we could come up with 5% for down payment, and afford a mortgage that low, but where do we get money to fix the house up (new carpet, some don't have applinces, new paint,etc., etc.) Most of these homes haven't been lived in for awhile so they def. need some TLC.

So we don't know what to do or where to start. I don't want to feel STUCK-like I do right now. I see no way of making this change and I hate feeling that way.